If you have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss, you are not alone. Grieving this huge loss takes a long time. What can you do for help?
When you first discover you are expecting a baby, you will likely be filled with a huge range of emotions. What will pregnancy be like? How will you handle labor? Are you ready to be a mother? What will your baby look like?
Although mothers often have tremendous fear that something may go wrong with the baby, it is also not uncommon to think that it will never happen to you. The reality is that losses during pregnancy do happen but preparing for this type of tragic loss is nearly impossible. Some parents include sections in their birth plan for unexpected outcomes with their baby. While this can help, nothing can completely prepare you for the raw and painful grief that happens to both parents and other family members.
You might find that you are grieving a number of issues. Not only do you grieve for the actual loss of your baby, but you also grieve the hopes and dreams that are now unfulfilled. Some mothers are also filled with a tremendous amount of guilt. Did you somehow contribute to this? Was it that glass of wine you had when you didn't know you were pregnant? Was it because you worked too hard one day and became exhausted? The end result is that the grief can take on a life of its own.
Not only is it important to recognize grief in all of its forms, but how can you get the support and help you need to heal from your grief and pregnancy loss.
The stages of grief change and may repeat over time
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the stages of grief years ago and although her model is still widely-recognized, we now know that not everyone goes through these stages in the same order or in the same way. The known stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some folks might get stuck in a certain phase for a significant period of time and even move backwards at times. How you move through these stages appears to be a very unique process.
Grieving is often a lifelong process
Often when you are grieving over big life events, it can take a very long time. If you assume grieving your pregnancy loss will take longer that you expect it will be, you will be more prepared to handle it. Sometimes people around you might even say that you should be "done grieving by now." This kind of attitude might make you feel that it is only okay to grieve for a limited period of time. The fact is that grieving can take months and years. Remember that grieving is healthy and you should grieve for this loss as long as it takes you to grieve.
Not all people grieve the same way
If you were an expectant mother with a pregnancy loss, you will grieve in different ways than your partner or the baby's father. Even though you are both grieving the same loss, you will grieve in different ways and it will look different to you both. How that loss affects each of you, how you react to the loss and how you work through the process of grief will be unique to you both. One person may need to cry frequently throughout the day. Another may need to stay busy and save only certain times for grief. It is crucial to remember that each person has their own individual pattern of grief and ways of coping with the loss that is exactly right for them and where they are at that time of their life.
Support is crucial during times of grief
If you have experienced loss of a baby or a miscarriage, you may realize that going through this grieving process alone is nearly impossible. Relying on close friends and family is one way to get help. Reaching out by calling a close friend is often the first and most important step in healing from your loss. You can also find help in local support groups (some may be available at your local hospital) for parents who have experienced similar pregnancy losses. Sometimes parents may need professional help such as a counselor or pastor to help you work through your grief. It is not realistic to think you can work through and heal from your grief alone.
How to heal from grief
Because the path of grief is different for each person, healing from grief also won't be the same for everyone. However, there are some helpful ways that you can use to help you process through your grief:
- Talk to a friend.
- Join a support group
- Journal about your experience and emotions
- Talk to a counselor
- Pray
- Take time to reflect by enjoying nature, taking long walks, etc..
- Do something to help others, ie. volunteer work (when you are ready)
Are you experiencing a pregnancy loss right now? What is helping you work through your grief? We would love to hear from you on the forum.
